Sometimes these thoughts of someone that could save me consumes me. And my friend, Maddy, who kindly has been putting me up, is also caught up in the same sideshow circus. She is currently using food to dull the ache in her heart that pounds for an undeserving asshole. You've heard it before.
You've done it before.
She's been stocking up on chocolate bars, and candy hearts and sour patch kids and Salt and Vinegar chips. And she sits in her bed, in her cold and damp flat, eating and crying. And reading Vouge and Marie Claire. There are chocolate smears all over her pillows and greasy chip crumbles embedded in her nightgown. And the magazines tell her that if she could only be a little thinner, a little prettier, a little nicer and better in bed. If her skin could only be a bit softer and her complexion a bit clearer. If she could only be a tad sexier and have less cellulite, then the world could be hers. She could hover above it, whip in hand and force it serve her.
She vomited in the sink. Black mascara spiders climbed down her cheeks. Nobody ever loved me like him.
But he told you he didn't love you.
Well, it felt like he did. It felt so good. Better than a sugar coma.
Dad called from Sedona where he is staying with a healer. Probably some crystal-wielding psycho with wheatgrass juice in her fridge.
Before I head out to the pub I want to thank Vinda of Super stylish and fun Fashion Atelier for interviewing me and creating a portrait of how I would love to look. Vinda, I am cute, but not that cute.
And to all of you whose fab blogs I have been neglecting this past week, bear with me. I will catch up and I still adore you.
XXX
You do write so well, magazines, telling us what we should be, what society sees as perfect, what we apparantly must be to get somewhere in life.
ReplyDeleteI wish that trap wasn't so fucking easy to fall into, x.
I wish I didn't listen to them magazines too, man.
ReplyDeleteI have turns of them I stare at, wishing I looked like the gorgeous hair-brushed models.
Oh well, I'm getting to appreciate myself more.
and this would move me just as desperately if i was feeling normal.
ReplyDeletei love your layout, by the way. is it new(ish)? do you hate it when people get all "deep" in their comments about your word-recorder?
Love you and all of your words.
ReplyDeletehi Kim, nice story. i've been there before, too. hearbreaks are baddd.. and i was seriously sad that time. those days were the days where i totally crazed on sugary things, and i gained weight, too. i really agree in the context of the magazine pictures, too. some people just don't know how hard the crews had worked or how long they had spent to make their models that pretty, and that creates many girls pressured.
ReplyDeletethanks a lot for mentioning me, too. drawing you was tons of fun, although i was kind of nervous doing that. i think you have great eyes! and you're such a beauty of course :)
Wow. That was truly mesmerising. And the sad reality of it, is that its so, so true.
ReplyDeleteGod, I am so captured! How did I not discover your blog before.
Black spiders? Metaphorically speaking, that is genius.
Loving your blog. truly loving.
xx scarzz
You have a unique way of expressing thoughts. These particular feelings are the reason I usually avoid all magazines now. There's always the ones who left us feeling not good enough.
ReplyDeleteAh, this makes me think about how to juggle my investment in the industry that we call "beauty" every day. Can I really claim to be a spiritual, etc person if I want to be what the magazines tell me? I don't even read magazines and they influence me. Great post.
ReplyDeletethat is sad what happend to your friend. and i use to over eat before . that is what got me into this whole working out thing i am doing now.people only realise things once it has past a certain point. just tell your friend to take a gym membership or something like that. i hope she hasn't become inaccessible.
ReplyDeleteThis post was - I just typed a tonne of descriptive words but not of them quite fitted. Beautiful, but in a sad, remorseful, thoughtful sort of a way.
ReplyDeleteA wonderful read of a sad story that too many of us know too well.
www.myliestylin.com
love. i always get inspired late at nite and in the desert too. i seriously can't wait for you to read that book. hey can you do me a favor and pimp oneword.com for me. shameless self promotion i know. it actually doesn't need to be promoted because it gets tons of visitors but we are trying to get advertising and it's hard to think of anyone. you are the only writer i know, so automatically it's like you are my best friend now. haha. anyway if you think of anyone that would be good let me know. shit i should just e-mail you. this is ridiculous.
ReplyDeletei hope you are having a blast in london and not spending too much time with the broken hearted.
xxx
t
just discovered ur blog,
ReplyDeletelooooove it<33!
XXX
to be thinner, prettier, a little nicer, better in bed...
ReplyDeletei feel as if that is all this generation thinks about these days.
You write so well! Plus: You are so right - this is exactly what the media feeds us. Lies.
ReplyDeleteI am really happy that I found your blog, I am your follower number 101 (like the dalmatians :)) and I will certainly be coming back again.
Feel free to visit and follow me as well of course :))
Have a great day!
http://fraupixiedust.blogspot.com
do you find you get satisfaction out of helping people who are broken? or do they just gravitate to you?
ReplyDeletebecause you have a big beautiful heart.
and you seem to do it a lot.
i'm just curious.
xx x
i am thinner and happier, BTW ...
ReplyDeleteI love your writings... Like everybody else... ;)
ReplyDeletecrystal-wieling, omg you totally painted a picture there.
ReplyDeleteDon't we all look to the magazines for advice yet barely ever take it?
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Sophia