Thursday, March 11, 2010

There's the back pain and the heartaches. The acne and the belly-aches.

I think there's something seriously wrong with our reality. and I am not just saying this because I stepped in dog shit today and then got shat on by a seagull with a tummy ache.  (I had to stop in at H&M and buy a whole new outfit, and I am not even kidding).

I am saying this because everyone I know is so damned troubled. There's pills galore and razor cuts on soft thigh flesh. Scarring red, then fading to white. Always bearing witness to a psychic pain that became unbearable. There's the insomnia. Like the grim reaper he comes and puts match-sticks underneath the eyelids of girls and boys whose neurons really need to be wrapped in cotton candy for a good eight hours. There's the back pain and the heartaches. The acne and the belly-aches.

There's drugs. My friend, the crack-whore, had her boyfriend commit suicide a few days ago. He jumped off a bridge and the waves sucked him under and filled his black crack-lungs with polluted water. She's shooting heroin now. She is beyond caring, she says. Not too long ago she was a talented student at CalArts.

And many of the blogs I read here, detail the lives of bright young women who binge and purge, binge and purge. For what? To fit in some faggot designer's (please take this for what it is, I am a homo myself) sample sizes? Constructed why? And for whom?

And the violence we commit onto each other. The physical and mental kind.

And clearly, I am no better. I called a lady in an SUV a bitch today. I purchased a pair of sneakers I definitely didn't need. I felt happy with my new possession for about two seconds, then I felt empty empty. So I came home and ate a whole bar of chocolate. To fill the hole. When that didn't work I smoked a joint. It worked for awhile.
Now I have insomnia.

(but I should know. I saw something, felt something. In Texas and in Arizona)

I wish I had a dog to pet.

P.S This is a self-portrait from Tate Modern, London. Shooting myself in a piece by Jeff Koons. Wishing the world was as happy and colorful. XXX


  1. I agree., this world is pretty fucked up, society, all of it.
    The seagul thing sounds pretty shit though,
    I hope your alright, x.

  2. "bright young women who binge and purge, binge and purge. For what? To fit in some faggot designer's sample sizes?"

    i am almost offended by this but i would like to think that i know you enough to know you would not judge us all this way. because my interest in fashion ends at comfort. because this is not, nor never has been, about food, about weight, about appearances. it is about that far deeper sinister shit that none of us knows how to deal with. and i'm learning lately that it's about shy and sneaky denied things and selves that were fractured so long ago that wholeness can barely be remembered. and myriad other things. and everyone is fucked up. some more than others. everyone in a different way.

    and it's shit. for sure. but there are dogs in the world to pet. i walk so many wonderful ones every day and they keep me stable. or at least, they keep me sane and smiling. come play with them with me. or go to the dog park and just watch. but try not to step in any shit. :D

    xx x

  3. had me laughing and that in itself is the greatest healer, as far as i am concerned. first: i step in dog shit almost every day, i think it comes with living in this place. second: i hear that if you get shit on by a bird it's good luck. swear to god. it may feel like shit (literally). but hey you got a new outfit.

    that second paragraph is beautifully written. good god. the pills, the cutting, i know it well and it fucking sucks. my neurons definitely need to be wrapped in cotton candy.

    i can't comment on the binging and purging as that has never been a problem for me, but i find it one of the "diseases" that saddens me the most. and unfortunately our society, magazines etc. make it look glamorous so it just gets worse. but i do think it runs so much deeper than that. it truly saddens my soul.

    i definitely know how it feels to buy something only to release endorphines very fucking temporarily. this world is a fucked up place. you are completely right. anyway i know you're writing is not here for me to analyze. but this was an ultra amazing post. seriously, it really touched my soul. thanks beautiful.


  4. oh and p.s. this is getting to be a habit, the p.s. thing. you can come pet my puppy anytime. she loves the girls the most.

  5. Oh kim, you have said it all.
    I took time off studying, to read

    I absolutely love how you describe everything. Some may not understand, but there is much more to everything.


  6. We are all at fault, for making each other hurt, because we all, as society, fail to make the world a place we can feel secure, comfortable, happy in.

    My Amy said something similar to this once, when I asked her why she took care of me, why she bothered with me. Because she saw my pain as her fault. Because she is part of society, and I feel so out of place in society. And all she can do is try, try to make it easier for me.

    I am to blame for the pain of See, just as See is to blame for my pain, and your pain, and you are to blame for our pain, and the pain of your crack-whore friend, who was to blame for the death of her boyfriend. Who was to blame for someone else's pain... do you understand what I mean?

    It's not really about blame, because no-one actually does anything. But sometimes it's the not doing anything that causes the pain. All we can do is reach out to each other, and try to ease the pain...

    I don't know, I'm trying to explain, but my head is caught up somewhere else, now.

    These blogs I read, yours included, help to ease the pain, give some relief, for a few moments.

    On a different note, lovely picture. I wish it were clearer, though, although at the same time I like how is is unfocused.

    Petal, xo

  7. i think the world's always been fucked, it's just that...
    a) there are more ways of showing it now.
    b) there are more places to communicated our fuckedness
    c) it's a different kind of fuckedness.

    for as long as there humans have existed (the humans with proper brain function, i mean), well, so has fuckedness.

    arranged marriage, execution, colonisation, war, bulimia, drugs, prostitution, dictatorship...

    none of it is actually new, is it?
    have a goodun from bella

  8. do you think it's possible to change?

  9. love love kim,
    i just feel like we are so aware of so many of our emotions
    cause of all the psychologists and advocates
    and creators and destroyers we've watched
    that they bombard us and light up our brain like a switchboard
    and no one knows how to deal with how they feel
    so they pour some water on the master panel
    and watch the sparks fly
    like fireworks in whatever hedonism we choose to cope with.

    its life, i guess.

    all the beast,

  10. I think this was my favorite post yet Kim. The way you put a voice to the chaos and shall we say, stupidity of the world, is powerful. The flaws we have, the things we do, the people we love and lose and get over and never get over. The things that make us who we are and who we want to be. I think the world is falling apart and it's good to see I'm not the only one looking around wondering what is going on. You put a voice to the things in my head with this one. Wonderful.

    Ps.. I hope tomorrow is better for you though.

  11. The world does scare me. I think we just need to get back to simplicity again. Being richer with family and friends and living by the motto of treating others like you would want them to treat you.

  12. You have captured the sickness of our privileged western lives so eloquently! I find a good way to put things in perspective is to visit a developing country and see how poor the people are and how hard they must work just to feed themselves and their families. They are not worried about endless consumption of material goods. They are not going to turn their back on life sustaining food. The most amazing thing I find, is that without all of this weird rich western self absorbed societal brain washing, people seem happy and grateful. It is beautiful.

  13. How I wish for the same thing you do. A non messed up world.

    XO, Sophia

  14. the world scares me sometimes, too... I think you just need to do your best and that's all.
    have a fabulous weekend, xoxo

  15. The dogs were followed for a further year and a half. After two years, 80% of the dogs still showed a positive effect of treatment. The hip dysplasia had not improved, and many dogs showed in fact an increased degree of calcification round the affected hip joints, but they lived better after the gold treatment. An inflammatory response was shown to have developed around the grains of gold, which may possibly explain in part the pain-relieving effect

  16. Yea, it's a nasty world. To Hell we go.

    It think it will be an enjoyable place, Hell I mean: Geology field trips a day time, black metal concerts in the evenings, and not to mention the fun we'll have every night >:)

  17. yes and yes. i wish there was more focus in our culture on how we act and what we do rather than what we look. but despite the apparent obsession with thinness, i think there is something more at stake with eating disorders. because any girl anywhere can be discontented with how she looks but it takes a certain amount of fragmentation of self to willfully starve, or to make yourself throw up, or to cut. there is something deeper wrong here. but i think you know that. there is the need to be empty or the need to fill that emptiness, a need to be small and to disappear either visibly or invisibly, and mostly there is a need to fixate on and become obsessed with something so that you do not have to think about the thing that is really driving you mad, or the thing that has fragmented you in the first place. hence the thinness, the thinspiration. because if you are thinking about your bones and your thighs you do not have to think about how your parents didn't love you or how they didn't pay attention to you or how they expected you to be perfect or how you were raped or abused or whatever or how some part of you somewhere did not, and never will measure up. and because, yes, it's culturally acceptable to think about weight and diets and thinness, and because girls get reinforcement from other girls in school and magazines. but it's only exacerbating a deeper problem. like my issues with food are not about being skinny but are rather about emotions and my past and all that but i don't know how to deal with those emotions so i do not eat to feel empty of them, or i eat them and throw them up. and i say, five more pounds, five more pounds, because i want to disappear and because the smaller i am the safer i feel and the more contained. and girls whose blogs are all about thinness and thinspiration? it's because they are young still and they cannot see what's really going on, that their quest for thinness is just covering up all their hurt inside. you have to be able to see this first before you can get better. and even then. i can see it and i know it's not about food and i cannot stop. it is the only way i know how to deal.

    also thank you for asking these questions. i love it when you make me think. because right now i am at an emotional crisis point where i really just want to take a lot of xanax and sleep for a few days but somehow you're still making me want to think, which i think is keeping a shred of sanity in me.

    xx x

  18. i'm glad to see someone teling it like it is... much of life is a flood, but please don't drown... you have a lot to offer!


You Rock. I am certain of it.