My mother left without a trace. I was still a kid, a cute kid (there are pictures to prove) with pig tails and band-aids on my chubby knees.
Still, she couldn't love me. She never wanted me. I was an accident, and due to her upbringing she was unable to see abortion as an option. It didn't matter how soft my skin, how blue my eyes, how peachy my cheeks and how dimpled my smiles.
Until recently I felt that I rather would have been an aborted fetus in heaven for aborted fetuses, looking down on the mess other people made (and keep making).
My mother had big dreams. She wanted to become a famous photographer. She wanted to sail the world. She wanted to make a difference for other people.
Becoming a mother aged her ten years in 9 months. Her once perfect breasts begun sag with gravity. Her hips and belly became branded with fiery stretch marks. Her face became wrinkled from frowning. And her mood-swings started tearing her apart. She couldn't stand my weeping. Said to daddy it was the worst sound in the world.
One day she drove off in the family car. She left a note. It didn't say much. It just said that she was sorry and that we shouldn't look for her.
p.s images borrowed (as often) from: http://ghostwerld.wordpress.com/
Mothers are way to often not ment to be mothers. They need to like, go through a test or something before they're allowed to have a baby. My mother wouldn't have passed, and I would have been happier without her.
ReplyDeleteAwww darling, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI thank my mother a lot for who I am today. She stands by me every single day.
Loved the leather jacket..
ReplyDeleteThe pic so inspiring...
That's really rough.
ReplyDeleteI never did get along with my mother very well.
ReplyDeleteSometimes,I wish I could read her mind,so I'll know what she really wants from me. I'm trying so hard to please her and she doesn't even have a clue about that.
you're such a strong woman, Kim. this story totally reflects your feeling, and i can feel you while reading it.
ReplyDeletegreat pictures, too. love the first one. very, very dark sexy!
I saw on a show about humans the other day that humans are the animal most likely to kill their young. People think mothering comes naturaly, but that's a lie.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your mother was not any good at being a mother.
I'm glad you're alive.
xxx
I too am so very glad you are alive - never you mind how you got here - it really doesn't matter - circumstance do not define you. You do. And from the looks of things, you are doing a mighty fine job.
ReplyDeletewell you sure came out a kick ass individual on top of all the shit you've been thru. i agree with belle in arms, i don't think i could be a mom... it doesn't matter anymore, i'm past "mom" age. my mom left my dad and family for my first boyfriend when i was 16 so i somewhat understand. (although we still have some fucked up codependent relationship).
ReplyDeletei'm sorry beautiful one.
xxx
t
ohmylord. i am so sorry. i really don't even know what to say, and i am wondering if you and your mom ever reconnected.
ReplyDeleteIs that pick of you, Kim? Cool and sexy at the same time! Like your style.
ReplyDeleteSorry about all that hazzle you been through
Best wishes >:)
God, that's hard.
ReplyDeletexx scarzz
another victim of the fucking stupid shit called sanctity of life. and all these 'life is sacred' and anti- abortionist shitheads who i think have a single neuron for a fucking brain has bought this planet to 6 billion Plus of fucked up souls who don't even have a fucking clue about what they want and have no fucking purpose in life. and even in this lot you'd find doctors genticists and engineers, which blows in the point that education doesn't really guarentee common sense. this fucking society and religion by large has screwed up more people. than all the car accidents in the whole world combined. i feel sorry for you. but you can't balme your mom too much either. she was fed this crap when she was a child and didn't look at things with much of a different view.
ReplyDeleteI feel like the words I say won't be enough, but I'm truly sorry for what she made you go through. But you have turned out to be a beautiful person. This is my first time reading your blog, and you have incredible writing.
ReplyDeleteSad story....that reminds me of why I don't want to have children...and yes, fuck those anti abortionists too.
ReplyDeleteNice blog Kim xx
people keep saying they're sorry about her leaving. might sound harsh but seriously, good for you! sounds like you're better of without her.
ReplyDeletethis came at the perfect time for me,
ReplyDeletei can't thank you enough for it.
--d.
This aches my heart for reasons I can't explain here. You are a wonderful writer Kim.
ReplyDeleteIt's going to sound terribly banal&cliche, but - I'm sorry. Maybe I should improve my English to find some better way to write about how this post makes me feel. You know, throughout my childhood I often wished my father left us (for many reasons) but now, as I read this, I think that it was just a silly thing to wish for. I don't know.
ReplyDeleteAND, on a completely different note - yeah, I can't wait for Hole's new album (because the last one that Courtney made, "Nobodies' daughter" was, for the lack of better word - terrible). AND thanks for following my blog. you're quite awesome you know that, right? :)
i'm glad you're not an aborted fetus.
ReplyDeleteand your mother doesn't know what she's missing.
xx x
Hello all of you beautiful readers and thank you for your wonderful comments. I apologize for not answering you all individually. But I got a lot of actual emails about this post too. Very personal and touching ones.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say one thing, although Nitin said it better; I know my mother is a victim too, and I am totally pro-choice.
XXX, Kim
what a story, i had the similar with me but from my dads side. But all is happy and we turned out just fine didnt we ... haha :)
ReplyDeleteHi Misery, on your last note....I can't wait for that album either...it is actually called 'Nobody's Daughter' - the last one was 'America's Sweetheart'. I liked it, but it wasn't as good as the earlier Hole stuff, I agree.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are here, Kim, and I guess people are glad I am, at least some.....and I am glad to have my life, but had I not been born I'd just know no different....hence the saying 'I think, therefore I am'. My mother is a lovely person and feels bad because...my father was abusive and she stood by, she always tried to make it up how she could. My parents have the most fucked up relationship on Earth, yet they are still together in their sixties, she was fool enough to take him back after he divorced and remarried her twice. He treats her like scum but she stands by him no matter what. But sadly as I have grown up I have seen the dynamics of abusive relationships, experienced them etc so I know....and if she ever says to me about the men in my life I just say the words 'my father' and there is no answer to that one....
I wouldn't wanna bring a child into that environment, and I have been through a lot of shit.......but we are all here and glad to be in our own way. I feel my parents were victims too I know stuff now about my father's childhood I didn't know before...
Due to my recent experiences with troubled relationships, addiction etc I am in no state to go through with a pregnancy, it would be kinder to have an abortion than not as far as the potential child went....Individual freedoms mean everything and a woman should not be forced by the State or anyone else to go through with a pregnancy that not only is unwanted by her but also would bring a child into an unhealthy environment for it....if anyone questions how I live, my lifestyle, the fact I don't want kids....well, my body, my life, simple answer now as far as I feel.
Absolutely heart breaking. How could someone do something so cruel to a wonderful person like you? Especially in all your young innocence.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Sophia
very beautifull blog
ReplyDelete