But I am a romantic. And an idiot.
And I like danger. I like fucking. Here, my life has become dull. The sunshine and that special California light has started to bore me. I act and react on auto-pilot.
I don't need time to think. It was thinking that got me into trouble to begin with. There are deep groves in my brain made by having the same thoughts over and over again.
Today I bought several grocery store rags, drove to the nearest Starbucks, sat in the antiseptic AC-air and looked at celebrity cellulite while gagging on a Venti Caramel Frappuccino. In the corner of my evil eye I watched the tanned blondes hurry by with their car keys and Blackberries. I felt like vomiting in one of those un-offensive Starbucks armchairs, designed not to irritate anyone. But they irritated the hell out of me. Had I carried a knife I would have stabbed that piece of generic furniture dead.
An old flame says she hasn't been able to stop thinking about me, that she can still feel my feverish touch on her skin.
And I am eating it up, sucking it down.
She lives miles and miles away. I am going. And I am staying gone. Come visit me in Berlin!!!
ohhh my.. you look like you are in trouble.. :P oops..
ReplyDeleteDon't fall for the she can't stop thinking about you routine! You know why. I fall for it too though so I can't talk. I'll just wish you luck.
ReplyDeleteBe careful. Situations like this I tend to wear my heart too tightly on my sleeve. And I'm always so surprised to find it gets hurt. That's just me...best of luck to you Kim :)
ReplyDeleteThinking always gets me into trouble... Sometimes I don't need to think though because I do the same thing day after day and it no longer requires and thought whatsoever... Time for a change... I love this because I can feel it and understand... Thank you :)
ReplyDeleteYou shoulda stabbed the damn furniture just as a Starbucks spite.
ReplyDeleteBerlin. Go!!
Starbucks sucks.
ReplyDeleteBe careful; good luck >:)
Well written, deeply felt and a true joy to behold. I'm thrilled you found me so I could meet you.
ReplyDeleteWarm regards,
Simone
Just do it! The stars sometimes reward such acts of foolish bravery for love!!!!
ReplyDeletei can see how it must be tempting for you. but as you know i don't want you to go. i feel more comfortable knowing that you are wandering the streets of l.a. with me (not physically, but you know what i mean). so basically what i am doing is being extremely selfish. do what makes you happy beautiful one. but... it's just getting to be so beautiful and springy (?) here!! can i talk you into staying?!!!
ReplyDeletexxx
t
1. stop spending time on the west side. you know that shit will kill you.
ReplyDelete2. seeing old flames is never what you imagine it to be. you know this too.
3. you are just running from your shit. stop it. that's what i'm doing. trust me, it doesn't work. also in my brain you're supposed to be better than me so therefore you can't do the same shit i do. all right?
4. the goal here is to break your own heart, right? i mean, when you really get down to it? because you're going to NYC in summer, you're escaping then. so this is about breaking your own heart. fuck, just stay here, let me break your heart. i may have more problems than your ex but i've got WAY better books. and OBVIOUSLY i'm way hotter. :D
5. oh wait did i just come on to you? shit. maybe i didn't mean that? it's the ben & jerry's talking. what assholes.
6. in the end, do what you feel like you must do. sometimes we have to get hurt to learn something. sometimes someone has to hurt us to make us stronger. but sometimes it's not the place your in that's destroying you but you who are destroying you in the place that you're in.
7. maybe that was the ben & jerry's too. assholes, confusing up my syntax an all.
xx x
The romantic inside us all could ultimately be our end. But it never stops us does it.
ReplyDeleteumm i did get your last email. yes i wanted to respond. yes i want to tell you why i love that essay and why i turned out the way i did and all of that. and ask you how you are. and why you are. but sometimes i just freeze up and cannot respond to emails. i think that i feel too fucked up to even be allowed to talk to you. i imagine that that doesn't make sense. i am too broken to burden you so. i will (have?) frighten(ed) you away. i know you have your own fucked-up-ness too but. but.
ReplyDeletenow i sound like a pitiful sob story. sorry! in real life i'm giggly and smiley and fun but always secretly in my nose there is this lingering smell of vomit. which reminds me always where i stand. and i am too ashamed of that.
xx x
well written, Kim. i can almost imagine how you felt that time.. and the last picture is so intriguing..
ReplyDeleteDarling, think it through.
ReplyDeletexo, Sophia