i don't want it even if it's free

once this girl told me that.

That night I was drunk, high and chemically happy and sauntered up to this redhead in a bar and said: Do you want to have intercourse with me?

I was dressed in tight jeans that showed off my (objectively) cute ass perfectly. My teeth had just been bleached to the hue of sugarcubes. I couldn't believe she didn't fall for my beauty and my bold come-on.

I have spent the evening picking on old scars. On my body. On my soul.

Once someone called me a bad kisser. Another time someone called me a bad friend. Somehow it was worse being called a bad kisser.

I think something is wrong with me.

Psychotic note

This (ex) friend of mine sent me this psychotic note/holiday greeting. Girlfriend needs help, don't you think?

Hi

Happy New Year! I have attached some pictured on my house, my pet-rabbit Holly and a Christmas band that we enjoyed on Christmas Eve and were brought by my sister-in-law Patricia.

I have been celebrating Christmas with my family. First I went to my parent’s house on the 23. On the 24^th we started the day with breakfast together with my brother Mark's family (wife Susanne and the 2 kids Emilia 12 years and Ida 7 years). This has become a lovely tradition and we also share Christmas gifts. After they left we went out for a walk. The weather was perfect with loads of snow and sunshine. It was long since we had such lovely Christmas weather. In the afternoon my brother Robert and Aunt Elise came by and we ate dinner together. Robert's partner Patricia came later and we played some card games and ate a light dinner together. On the 25^th the weather had changed and as we expected a lot of snow I took off fairly early and had dinner together with John. On the 27^th my family came over and we had lovely time together. It is great fun to be able to house them all at the same time and also have some space for the children to play on. Also, I live only 40 min drive from Cleveland where they all are living.

All the best from me!

Ho Ho Ho

I wonder what Santa will bring me this year?
Another self-help book perhaps? On home-kit colon cleansing?
A white Christmas courtesy Cocaine?
Another box of cheap pralines from Wal-Mart from my Trailer Trash aunt?

A drunken night with daddy?

Ho Ho Ho!

So daddy is utterly narcissistic

So daddy is utterly narcissistic, and loves to put me down, in not so subtle ways: You look fat today, Kim. You have a giant zit in on your chin (Hey asshole, thanks for stating the obvious). He also has dragon's breath. How do you tell someone that?
But as fucked up and horrible as he is, he does give me money. He did help me with homework while I was still in school. He did (try to) comfort me during bouts of recurring nightmares involving transvestite serial killers with staple guns. He did take me to the hospital when I fell off my tricycle and dislocated my shoulder, and later, when I almost pulled a Jimi Hendrix and choked on my own vomit.
My mom on the other hand, decided that I was a curse. The breast-feeding was deforming and exhausting her. The diaper-changing was just plain shitty. She had gotten hideous stretch marks she'd never recover from. And surely, she was fed up with douchebag daddy. One day she drove off, into the sunset like a cowboy. She sent two postcards. I still have them. One was from Atlantic City, New Jersey and the other one from Hawaii. Generic greetings. No: I love you. Nothing.
But still, I really don't hold it against her. I probably would have done the same thing.

P.S Hey, follow my blog. It would make me happy.

XXX, Kim

... and then the pills wore off

and when she woke up we did it again. and again. her lips like a plush sofa i wanted to make myself comfortable in. our limbs so tangled up i couldn't feel where i ended and she begun.

and then the pills wore off and the last of the booze left our bodies. it got a bit weird. she said: I am not usually like this.
what are you usually like, I asked her.
She said that she has a boyfriend.

and as always; it's the bisexual bitches that are the worst. the ones just experimenting, not til-death-do-us-part-committed to the puss.

she said she would call. and i really felt like a girl. a dumb girl (worth nothing but despise and fat free rice-crackers) hanging on to a flea-sized hope.

I took Tommy, my neighbor's miniature pinscher out for a walk. We caught the sun setting into the ocean.

I do like looking into the eyes of a dog taking a shit.

Religious Night on the town

Last night I went out cruising (stalking), ended up doing a little hiking too, before I parked my skinny ass at one of Red Lion's bar stool. I was wearing hot-pink crocs, a sweat-stained tank top, ill-fitting jeans and a jacket from Forever 21 (it has been washed more than once, so naturally it had lost its shape completely and resembled a pillow-case more than anything). The bag I carried was a classic and classy Third World bag in red (see the above picture).

And you know what, fashion douchebags?! I got laid. By one of the stunning bartenders. She was dressed as the St.Pauli girl, big boobies spilling over low-cut frilly blouse. She's enjoying her post-coital beauty sleep next to me as I'm typing this.

And Berlusconi was punched in the face. What a great night all in all.

perspective; out of the hole

First, fucking the pain away really does work. Try it! (there's nothing like a hot and horny girl between your thighs. She doesn't have to be the love of your life, just into the moment.

Second, it's definitely necessary to put things into perspective. I did this by seeing an old friend yesterday. One that I hadn't seen in ages and only kept in touch with via FB. She looked good in her pictures. But she's also very skilled in photoshop.
The first thing she told me when I came to her door was: I am not pretty anymore.
I couldn't say anything. This former blond beauty was now 50 lbs heavier than last time I saw her. Her fingers were yellow from smoking crack. Her hair looked like steel wool and her teeth had started to rot in her mouth. She fell into a K-hole and by the looks of it, it's gonna be a long time before she crawls out.

shit weather

shit city
shit life
shit girl
shit scrambled eggs.

not ever coming here again. the juice is watery and the eggs are rubbery and the cute waitress is not around

cold girl cold heart

i ate a curry wurst and drank some glühwein. children high on cotton candy ran like squirrels between my legs.

i could tell it was cold but I couldn't feel it. whatever pills dealer-dieter gave me yesterday are working their magic, making me numb like a junkie.

where am i, and where the hell am i going?

duh, i am in berlin heading back to Los Angeles; my hometown of pearly white smiles that never reach the eyes.

these pills do something to my guts. i gotta go potty ... AGAIN!